Emma's Hungry

Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

 Okay so my blog entry has nothing to do with that song.  My friend at work was having a rough day and I drew her all things sugar and spice, like a puppy, a glass half full, flowers, and a unicorn.  She in turn drew me a pictionary style illustration of “raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens”.  Okay, so now that that random thought is out on paper and hopefully out of my mind forever, I wanted to update everyone on my diet progress.

 First of all, HCG is OUT.  Done and Doner, Finito, Sigh Uhh Nora (don’t know how to spell the real word, sorry).  I’m in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to try to make peace with food, instead of doing these extremes that really net ZERO long-term results.  So, if you read any of my blog entries about HCG, know that that ship has sailed for me, and if you’re an overeater like I am, or binge eat, or having eating disorders, that diet probably isn’t the best for you to do. 

 I sincerely recommend CBT.  It’s not like it’s a miracle fix, but it’s great to be able to talk in-depth about your food issues to a trained therapist, and you don’t have to feel shame when admitting the gargantuan amounts of food you ate during a bingeing episode. 

 On that note, I decided to order Nutri System.  I have such a long way to go with food, and I’m figuring baby steps will be the best way to go.  I am too overwhelmed with choices, and having to plan foods to eat.  It makes me crazy, and usually leads to sabotage.  I really like the easiness of Nutri System.  I also like not feeling deprived of chocolate.  Some of their food is barfville, but most of it is pretty good.  My favorite dinner entrée so far is the chicken in alfredo sauce with penne pasta.  Yummy!  The portions are very tiny, but I love that because it may help me when I’m finally ready to jump ship to not go overboard on portions of non-pre packaged food.  I love their online tracking system.  It’s all quite easy.  Sometimes I get hungry, but they have these flavor-full drinks that have fiber in them and if you drink one of those, the hunger usually subsides.

 I should also note, though, that I just started Lexapro, and I’m a fan so far.  It seems to help my obsession with food a lot.  I don’t think about it 24/7 like I used to.  Granted, I’ve only been taking it for a few days, and it usually takes a few weeks to see all the effects of an antidepressant, but so far so good.  On the Nutri System plan I’ve lost 6.5 pounds so far.  I’m at 228 right now.  Man, those 29 pounds left to get under 200 pounds seem daunting because I’ve been really close to being under 200 before and then I always sabotage.  I have to break through this barrier or I’ll probably go mad or more insane than I already am.  A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, errr something. 

 So, I’ll keep this updated better, and I’ll post pictures in a week or so.  I’ve also been going to the gym, and while I started out strong, it kinda fizzled to 2x a week.  I want to try to make it there 5x a week, but that will come with time.

So, I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist yesterday for my eating issues, and I’m not quite sure if I’ll do HCG or just try to have a healthy lifestyle.  It seems that I’m so all or nothing that HCG might not work at this fragile time for me anyway.  Maybe if I got a better handle on my food addiction, I could eventually do HCG longterm, but maybe I need to just take things a day at a time and attempt to be realistic about weight loss.  I’m literally throwing away the scale.  A) It doesn’t work, and B) I get so much anxiety over plateauing for a day or two and then end up going off the deep end.  The CBT should help, and it already has in some ways.  I’ve been asked by my therapist to write down times and feelings when I’m obsessing about food, and already it’s helped a lot to gauge how often I think about food.

I also got a gym membership to Planet Fitness, and I almost had an anxiety attack before going.  I had to really just swallow whatever fears I was having and go for it.  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and a little bit of weight lifting, but I think I’ll need to take advantage of their free personal training to establish a routine and have support with the weights.

My daughter is in the other room screaming her head off because we told her to stop playing video games and get in the tub.  Yea.

So, the before shots still apply, since I gained back anything I lost for the short time I did HCG this time.  I’m receiving another shipment of HCG soon but, like I said, I have to weigh if it’s the best thing to do right now when I have so much to work through emotionally.

I went off the deep end with my husband’s birthday, ate way too much cake, ice cream, you name it… Sigh.

Later

Have to go on maintenance because I think the HCG has gone bad.  It’s not working anymore, and even if I eat less than 500 calories a day, I’ve been the same weight for 3 days.  I only had about 4 shots left anyway, and my husband’s birthday is on Sunday, so I’m going to start the weaning off phase of HCG and then maintenance.  I ordered a new batch of HCG which should be here in a couple weeks.  I’ll resume writing then, unless something else comes up.

So, I weighed myself this morning and I was 229.4– No loss and actually a .4 gain.  I think it’s probably due to just not drinking enough liquid, especially water.  And, there are always plateaus that come periodically doing this plan.  I just have to be patient, and maybe, you know, I shouldn’t weigh myself EVERY day.  It gets a little anxiety provoking to do that.  Maybe I should take cues from Biggest Loser and just do once a week?

Anyway, today I had ANOTHER emotional breakdown.  I literally bawled.  DH asked me what was so wrong, and I cried, tearily, that I can’t eat.  That I have to deal with my emotions is kind of exhausting.  I started pouring out things that bugged me from even the day before, that I literally hadn’t even processed until today.  That’s how long my lag is I guess of processing things that I don’t want to deal with.  Don’t get me wrong, I can react to something that bothers me pretty quickly, but I think when it’s something that I don’t want to face at all, that I just don’t even know how to process or what to think of it, that it takes more time.

I probably shouldn’t get into the specifics of it, but it took 24 hours to even realize it was such an issue to me.  And, I couldn’t just eat to stuff it down.  I noticed on Biggest Loser there was a lot of tears, screaming, breakdowns, etc.  and I think that’s sorta what I’m going through now, in these first few days of having to be so strict and having to be alone with my thoughts.

BUT, I’m pushing through it.  I can’t tell you how challenging it is… My body hates me for putting it through this change, and my brain wants to repeat old patterns of self-destruction and I don’t want that to happen.  If it does, I’ll take responsibility on this blog instead of just letting it rot for a few months before I decide to give it another go.  I’m going to write everyday and be accountable to myself.  I owe myself that much.

Oh, and bless my DH for putting up with me during this emotional time. 

Today I was doing pretty good, same old food… but I had the first real big temptation of outsider food.  I went over to my mom’s house to do some laundry (totally hate not having a washer and dryer), and she’s doing the HCG diet as well.  Granted, she is doing it the RIGHT way, the by-the-book way, and I’m not, but we still are both very limited in what we can eat and I’m doing my utmost to stick with high protein, low carb, and under 500-600 calories a day.  She made dinner for my nieces  and my daughter, and both our DHs (dear husbands).  It was grilled cheese sandwiches, and I have never wanted one more badly in my whole life.  The smell of the butter melting on the pan was enough to make anyone drool.  And envisioning that crunch of the grilled bread, with the gooey cheese was just… UGH, my mouth is watering right now even thinking about it.  I pushed through, I made it, but now I feel extremely weak for some reason, and my legs feel kinda achey.  This is how they felt when I did the VLCD the first time, and it’s no bueno.

Earlier this morning I made pancakes for my family, and I was having a really hard time not eating those too.

Sigh, anyway, I’ve had some emotional breakdowns today too.  I’m so extremely sensitive to anything that’s said to me, even if it’s teasing.  Man– I think food makes me more jolly!  I guess people are just going to have to get used to that I’m going to be cranky and much more prone to cry until I learn to balance my emotions with positive coping skills that don’t involve food.  For now the pendulum is swinging and it’ll be awhile,  maybe even months before I find an equilibrium.

So, here’s to another day of success.  Yea me… or something.

I guess I forgot to write yesterday, wow, time goes by fast when you’re weak and sluggish.  While I have had virtually NO hunger issues, I am starting to get sluggish.  What can anyone expect when consuming such low calories per day?  I’m just trying to take it easy.

Yesterday and the night before presented some challenges that left me feeling emotional and teary.  I knew there would be humps to get over, and it was interesting because the events that triggered my emotions kicking in didn’t make me want to eat.  I don’t know what that’s about.  I always want to eat when I’m upset.  I get enjoyment out of stuffing myself, even if I cry right afterward out of guilt or shame.  But, I didn’t feel like it this time.  This blog must help me process things enough to not want to immediately run to food that’s yummy and satisfying.  My Snicker’s Marathon Caramel Nut Rush bars are extremely satisfying though.  Pretty much all I’ve eaten in the last two days is as follows:

Coffee with cream and splenda

Snicker’s Marathon Bar

2 Melba Toasts with turkey meat on them, and a tiny bit of light mayo

Salad with sprayed on ranch flavoring (BLECH) It’s low in calories, but it’s just not the same as good ole Ranch!

I’ve also been drinking lots of water and sometimes diet sprite.

I’ll stress again, this is not the typical HCG diet, but I’m usually ALWAYS under 600 calories, although on my first day I was around 700.  I’m going to try even harder to tweak my diet to be under 500, but I’m making great progress.

This morning I weighed in at 229.  Going into my 4th full day of VLCD I’ve lost 9 pounds.  Not half bad!  I’m upset at myself that I was so close to the goal and I let it slip away a few months ago.  Being 10 pounds away from being under 200 was exciting, but I was the one in control of the wheel and I made the choice to hurt myself.  I’m trying extremely hard not to fall into my own traps again.

So, in summary, this diet is working, it makes me more emotional (to where I have to DEAL with my emotions instead of stuffing them down), it makes me a little weak, not hungry at ALL, and I look forward every morning to that needle prick.

Tomorrow when we have some funds I’m going to order more HCG ASAP so I can continue past the 9 shots left.

I’ll probably post more tonight since I missed an entry yesterday.  Today basically, I’m going to be cleaning house and doing laundry, and making sure -C- is well taken care of.

I can’t wait for Biggest Loser on Tuesday!  I look forward to that show like a kid does to Xmas morning.

Later!

So, yesterday was rough.  The headaches were bad from not indulging in sugar, and my body was getting used to not eating very much.  I had over the 500 calories that you’re supposed to have, but it wasn’t a big deal to me since I still lost weight.  As of a couple days ago, I was 238, and this morning I weighed myself at 235.  So 3 pounds down in one day isn’t half bad!  I’m 5′8″ just in case anyone wondered.

Today, for some reason, I have NO appetite.  All I had was one orange (45 calories max), and a Snicker’s Marathon protein bar (290 calories), and coffee with cream of course.  I’m not supposed to have cream technically, and I’m not supposed to technically have protein bars, but you know what?  This diet still works with those things included.  Which makes me wonder… Is HCG just placebo?  I’ve wondered this a lot,  because so many people say that you have to do everything to perfection or you will gain weight.  Well, at first, when I first tried it through a weight loss clinic, I believed them.  And I didn’t cheat for 30 days straight.  BUT, I was always so weak I could barely walk, and cooking chicken and fish got so old that at one point I didn’t want to eat at all, which made me more weak.  By the 30th day of this, I cracked and got a double cheeseburger from Wendy’s with fries and a frosty.  I felt EUPHORIC after eating them.  But pretty much from there I was doomed.  I gained about 5 pounds just from cheating that one day, and I decided to go on maintenance after that.

When I decided to try a second round on my own, without a clinic, I wanted to test the limits.  Even though I was scared, I knew I didn’t want to be in the same predicament I was in before.  So, I started trying little variations, even on some days ate up to 900 calories a day, and I STILL lost weight.  So, I have to wonder if this really is just placebo…

I guess if it is, oh well.  Whatever works right?

So, I’m going to try to force myself to make some eggs, so I don’t burnout tomorrow.  Emotions have been pretty upbeat today.  I don’t know if it’s because I started writing more of my true feelings on this blog and so I feel a burden lifted off or if it’s because I conquered the camera and the anxieties surrounding it by deciding to let DH take pictures of me, flaws and all.  But either way, even he says I seem like I’m in a better mood.  I’m hoping this lasts, although I know realistically I will have some humps to overcome.

More tomorrow, with weight posted and in a week or so I’ll take more pictures.  I like the accountability of this blog, and that I invited some choice friends to look at it.  It helps me know that at least a small population is cheering me on in front of their computer screen.

Thanks for the support!

Sitting here thinking about yesterday and the day before, where I had two major food breakdowns that were followed by emotional breakdowns that were followed by more food breakdowns that were followed by a “don’t care” almost happy feeling, followed in the morning by more regret and me trying to figure out, right now, what I can do to stop this vicious cycle.  It’s really… so… OLD.  My self-esteem is shot when it comes to my appearance.  People see me as expressive, opinionated, even abrasive and appalling in the way I say things, but to each his own.  I only bring that up because a lot of people perceive me as strong-minded, maybe even overly confident in my opinions.  And, maybe because they see me that way they assume I embrace myself, no regrets, no apologies.  If people think this of me, they’re only semi-accurate.  My opinions and views on the world are pretty solid, and I take issue with principles and ideologies that seem to me to be exclusionary, racist, bigoted, ethnocentric, etc.  I’m very opinionated about politics/religion/equality, and I’m adamantly liberal.  People often get put into a compartment in someone’s mind of fitting a mold because of their principles, and it’s hard to see that they’re human beings that have been shaped and molded into who they are by their environments, upbringing, and own unique personalities.  I’m guilty of it, as we all are.  My point?  Regardless of how expressive I am on the outside, how opinionated, how seemingly callous to some, on the inside I’m wounded.  Yes, wounded.  Some have called me a porcupine, and I’ve been unwilling to embrace that title based on how relative my personality is to any given person.  To one person, I’m “refreshing”, while to another I’m “abrasive”, when saying the exact same thing.  But, for purposes of this entry and to more deeply examine my issues, I’ll embrace the porcupine title, for now.  Underneath the *hard shell*, there is too much softness, too much vulnerability, too many loops I go through in my mind that potentially cause me to seem off-putting to some, but most importantly myself.  I have to face that I am not happy with me, that I have not taken care of me, that I’ve been mean to me.

I just started watching the Biggest Loser faithfully in Fall of 2009, and I would sit and cry at the stories and struggles that everyone went through, and I would watch them lose weight every week and transform their bodies and be jealous that I couldn’t just get my act together.  I realized the only way they succeeding is because of A) supervision B) worldwide publicity and scrutiny C) personal trainers breathing down their necks D) extreme positive reinforcement by losing so much weight each week which fueled their motivation E) Having to DEAL with their emotions instead of stuffing them with food E) Support (in their case it’s with people living in a house all dealing with the same issue).

I feel like my main issue is not dealing with my emotions, although if I had all of these factors to deal with, I’m sure I would lose weight and keep it off.  First things first though, and that’s this emotion thing.  I need to make tiny goals that I can deal with and conquer, while at the same time make enough progress to not feel defeated.  It’s a delicate balance that I have to master, and I know that it won’t be easy.  But here we are at day one of this enlightenment where I won’t allow my mind to shut down and my hand be the leader in negative ways (like grabbing that piece of cake or spooning another scoop of ice cream or whipping up some pancakes that I know I don’t need).  My hand can lead me to this computer or a piece of paper and a pen to write out my thoughts and help me through hard moments.  I hope I’ll have the will, even in darkest moments, to turn to this instead of food.

Day one is almost over and I’ve eaten 700 calories.  I did the HCG shot today and I only have 11 more shots left.  I won’t be able to do a full 20 day round, but oh well, something is better than nothing and I’ll be onto maintenance until I get some more HCG ordered.

Breakdown of food:  (and this is varied), I don’t follow the HCG diet to perfection.  I can’t live on such bland food for so long, so I have to mix it up and it does work still.  You just have to see how things affect you daily and tweak the plan to suit you to be able to still lose weight.

Morning:

24 oz of coffee with 3 half and half singles (Land O Lakes at 7-11)  Approx. 25 calories for the coffee and 30 calories for the creamer totalling 55 Calories.

Medium Orange:  45 calories

Lunch:

Snickers Marathon protein bar:  290 Calories

Steamed vegetables/squash:  50 calories

Inbetween:  Herbal Tea, Water, and some Diet Coke

Dinner:

3 egg whites, one real egg, one tbls olive oil, 2 tbls sour cream, light salt and Tapatio hot sauce.  Approx. 270 calories

Total Calories:  710

I had a little headache from lack of sugar, but I took some Ibuoprofen and am feeling fine.

That’ll be all for today.  More tomorrow!

Before Shots 1/7/10

This started off as an HCG blog, and while I’m planning on doing HCG still, I fell off the wagon BIG time with the holidays and New Years.  I’ve kept those posts, even though they’re null and void now, and all weight I lost came back because I didn’t stick with the plan and then some!  I’ve decided to make this blog about my journey out of food obsession.  I’ve been around 30 years and it’s limited my life in so many ways.  As my daughter says “I don’t want you ever be dead”.  Well, I have to do something about that, now don’t I?  This self-loathing, quasi-masochism in the form of food abuse has to stop.  I’m going to be extremely detailed in what I’m feeling each day and how the journey is going.  If anyone reads this, great, if not, it’ll be for my own benefit.  Enjoy, or don’t… but try.

I had some devastating news today, and I’ve been tempted to go off the wagon for the last 2 hours.  It’s all I can do to not eat my pain away, so I thought I would blog.  If I can just get through the next 2 hours, I’ll be homefree.  I know that if I push through this I’ll feel great tomorrow, and if I don’t, I’ll just feel awful about myself.

So, here’s hoping I make it through this emotional speedbump.