The Captain Mongolia


That Good Ol' Old El Paso
    The Salmon's liver was the freshest Samuel Clemens had eaten since his untimely arrival at his underwater castle in the sky. The week was passing slowly and his only entertainment was the fervent lashing of his fishy companion, and old war buddy, the Duckbilled Octopus. This fellow's name was Mouse Mouse Mouse Mouse Mouse Mouse Mouse. Samuel called him Mouse Mouse for short. They were not all together miserable in the sea, though they wished they could have one more adventure before they were savagely devoured by whale sharks.

THEY WOULD SOON REGRET THIS WISH.

    Shoooka, Shoola, Bhooka, Thump, Crack, Thump, crack, creek . . . "Who's there?" spoke Clemens. "Oh, it's you. Well why are you here. Well there is no need for that! Now look, what I did back then I did in an impaired state and I meant no offense. Now put that away. Mouse Mouse, help me!" Thud Thud Thud Waak Wack Wack ...

    Captain Mongolia was not a busy man by any man's standard. He was washing his brain stem when the message arrived. It read as follows:

    Cap'n please I fear for my life! You are the only one I would call on in such dire straits. Anyone else, I might feel bad if they were killed at my expense. Your favorite author, S.C.

    Captain Mongolia knew himself to be illiterate. Therefore, he had no favorite author. The letter was meant for his next door neighbor, Captain Christopher Columbus, but he just decided to go anyways. He would be dead within an hour from the internal bleeding caused by the gallon of hot globulin he just drank. It was another chance at fame and the redemption of his father, the Walrus Saliva who was put to death by firing squad. SO CAPTAIN MONGOLIA SET OUT AGAIN TO RID THIS WORLD OF THE GREATEST EVIL OF ALL, TED KOPPEL. And do something for some S.C. guy if he had the time. The captain picked up the paper trail just across the Mexican Border in a little town called Old El Paso. So there he burned the paper trail, and started fresh by getting bit by a rattle snake in his neck. He only survived by the help of a friendly vampire named Lynard the Skynard who enjoyed sucking the venom out. He died then from venom poisoning (the vampire, but the Captain is not dead yet). What was it that was so funny about the dead vampire's dead body? Then it struck him. The vampire must have sent the message. It all made perfect sense. The "SC" stood for Skynard and the "C" stood for Coronary, the artery that has a lot of blood in it, and vampires like blood. It was all so simple. Then it struck him. He died quickly from the blow and doggonit, he never knew what hit him. It sort of felt like a wooden stake in his Coronary artery. "How ironic" quoted Mouse Mouse..

©1996 ReTran USA
written by Dan Jones
www.retran.com